Stache Bash 2009
As you all know, this year I competed again in the Mustaches For Kids Annual Stache-a-thon (For the Children). By the end of the growing season, San Francisco raised over $86,000 (for the children) thanks to our well-nurtured lip leafage. We even wound up beating those punks in New York! I’m also pleased to announce that my good friend Jon Kart was the final Mustache Champion, and wound up bringing home the trophy for Kiva.
This article in SF Weekly did an excellent job summing up the evening stache-tivities:
The key to the success of the mustache-based organization is, as they advertise on their Web site, putting the “fun” back in fund-raising. Here’s the deal: On Tues, Nov. 10, all entrants shaved completely and agreed to the Mustache Bash rules to compete for the winning title of “Sweetest Stache, 2009.” Each entrant raised money during their four weeks of growing, and last night, 21 of those entrants were judged based on a short but important list of amazing-stache criteria. The first test: beer froth retention.
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The retention contest was only round one (*hint for contestants next year: try the shake-your-head-no technique while guzzling the Guiness … all the winners did it!). By round two, the judges had whittled the hair farmers down from 21 to seven. Competition was fierce this year, as noted by MC Andrew Bancroft at the start of the show, when he pointed out all of the “burly motherfuckers” — including folks dressed as body builders, cops, gym class instructors, airforce pilots, and cowboys — who had decided to enter. But costumes didn’t make the stache, as was evidenced by the fact that Banana Stache [my friend Gerard!!], AKA guy dressed in a banana suit with just about the best puns ever, didn’t make it to the semi-finals. But he did make this review. Shout out to banana stache from banana land.In round two, contestants really had to prove that they had more than just a fine-looking, beer-retaining stache. Not only did they have to read a “Stache-ku” (haiku about their mustache) to the crowd, but they also put their sexy stache power to the test by giving the judge of their choice a giant smooch wherever the judge pleased. Things definitely got a bit dirty.
And then there were three. The final round had contestants weight-lifting with their staches using a Medieval looking contraption that hooked the two ends of the stache to one of three objects of various weights. It actually became two objects after the first of the final three ate the first object-- a flower. MC Bancroft was pretty convinced this contestant was on an acid trip, especially after he took off his pants and tucked his shirt into a pair of leopard-print skivies. Like I said, things got dirty.
By the end of the evening it was down to two of the best staches in the Stop: one belonged to a burly man from Moscow in a very form-fitting wrestling outfit who went by the name, Stache-a (pronounced “Stasha”), and the other to a soft-spoken cowboy named Cart. Both had been getting straight 10s all night from the judges, and so the final round had to be decided by a “Stache-o-war,” which is sort of like a tug-o-war, except, well, with mustaches. They connected their mustaches together with the Medieval contraption and pulled until hooks fell off of Stashe-a’s stache and Cart was declared to have grown the ultimate “Sweetest Stache.”
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